Wednesday, August 23, 2017

142. Faith

Take a walk I'll hold your hands for now
It's happening, it's happening
Makes it hard to lose another night
I'll pretend that I'm a man for now
It's difficult, it's difficult
To soothe a wounded heart

Some part of the lyrics from the song Faith from Seven Collar T-Shirt.

I have a song that will remind me of the person I keep in my heart. And this song, remind me of one person.

How's life, everyone? It has been 6 months I didn't post anything here. Life continue. With all the goods and bullshits we can't control.

The song. Why I started with that lyric. This song is the song that always remind me of my friend who has a 'gift'. He is sick and about to die. He said he has less than a year. Yes, that is his 'gift'. His disease is the 'gift'.

In his life, he has a lot of dreams and I said I would love to help him get what he want at least one before he died.

To make things short, he asked me to marry him. Last month. I said no and the rest is history. It's so fucked up. I have my reason why I said no.

Not because I don't want to be a 'janda muda'.
Not because of his looks.
Not because I cannot make his dream come true.
Not because of love (bullshit).

I have my reason and he asked me to leave. And I did. I don't know will I still get the chance to meet him in his short lifetime. I've known him since primary school. And now I lost another friend.

This is so frustating but I won't make sacrifices for someone who won't sacrifice anything for me. That is the reason.

(Edited)
Plus, the night after I posted this, I got to know that one version of the story he told me is not true. At all. I don't mind if he want to lie but it's like a totally different story from what he told me. I bet he is a psycho and I'm glad I didn't accept his idea to marry me.

That one story he told is so mindfucking because the truth is really not like what he said. I don't think I can believe all the things he told me anymore. I'm relieved I cut connection with him. I don't know why guys love to lie to me or take advantage on me. Fuck these bullshits. Aku malas nak layan. Aku tak rugi apa pun la. #MenAreDumb

So, these are all the bullshits.

Goodbye.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

141. The single doesn't mean they are not in love

Maybe that girl who is still single is having problem within herself.
Maybe she is still in love with her ex. Maybe her ex boyfriend is a vocalist from a band and she knows things he sing is all about her. Maybe they have been together since he was no one but as he getting famous, they teared apart.
Maybe she is in love with someone everyone can see in the TV. That feeling only she knows because the Guy won't let her tell the World.
Maybe she is waiting for someone she cannot have. The one guy who have gone so far away with her heart in his hands but he doesn't realized it. And he found his Love there. He doesn't come back.
Maybe she is in love with someone she cannot meet again. Maybe the guy has met his God and left her in this cruel world. Maybe she is still surviving to let him go from her heart and open up to somebody new. But, she still come to the same place and send prayers to him from everywhere she go.
Maybe she is still surviving to help her family and want to spend more time and get more love from them. Her family which she had left them for years to pursue her dreams and come back just to make sure she won't regret the thing she didn't do when she had the chance.
Maybe she loves to be independent and have everything settled first only then she open up to somebody. Because she wants to be the Help to her partner and not the Burden. That is the love she already has towards someone she doesn't meet yet.

Love, loving, loved. In so many ways.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

140. Day by day

Assalamualaikum. Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha penyayang.

Day by day, I thought I can go through life without thinking about him, without hoping that he will be next to me or at least there is a device connecting us from the other side. Or at least feel relief a bit to know that he feels the same as I do. But actually, it's not happening.

I don't know if I am the one who feel so scared to face the truth or I am afraid that the things I said above won't happen like how I want. I don't mind if it doesn't happen but I am not ready yet to lost. Even though he has never been mine.

It all started since April this year. He told me about his family. About his parents had divorced (it is actually a private thing here to talk about family especially when it is unhappy thing). He came to me so many times to ask me what I have been doing, what song did I practiced and sort. He even said "ganbatte!" to me quite a lot at that time.

Time flies. There's up and down in our relationship (friendship maybe? Eh friendship la kan haha). I cannot tell everything here. I might need 2 days to summarize and write it all. Haha. There is something weird or unusual thing he will do almost everytime we meet. He did so many things that he didn't do to anyone else.

Today, we had a performance at an old folks home near our university and we had a duo song together. He came to me when I was alone. I love to take pictures so I went there to take pictures because I got to take photos of the oldies including the performers but everyone else chose to watch from the other side. Hmm do I need to tell everything here? It will be a very long post. To make it short, I feel like giving up but lately we are getting closer. Huh this is hard.

亮くん、今までいろいろありましたね。君がそばにいると私が落ち着くよ。ドキドキしてましたが、君がいるから心強くなれますよ。なんで君のことが好きになったのかな。なんで君なんですか?なんでこんな複雑な気持ちになったのかな。君に「好きだ」って言えるっちゃ言えるけど、その後何の状態になるか分からないから、言うのをやめときました。自分でこの気持ちを捨てたいですが、ほかの人に「頑張って」と言われたので、今まで君に伝えれない言葉が残ってる。私はいつまで我慢できるかいまだに知らない。それでも、お互い頑張りましょう。私は君のことが好きだから。ずっとそばにいて欲しいです。

"The moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before miracle happen. Don't give up."